Home in Sweden - 2. Will Somebody Please Teach Me SWEDISH???

So, to continue from where I last left off, the quest to learn Swedish has not been easy. It has definitely not got off to a good start.

Sometime at the end of August, I received a booklet about courses offered at our local Volkhochschule (VHS) - community college, if you will. They offer evening courses for affordable prices. The idea is that the population can obtain an education, or learn whatever they want, without having to spend a lot of money. I flipped through the booklet randomly out of mild disinterested curiosity. On the second page I randomly opened, was of course Swedish for beginners. I jumped around in excitement (on the inside), thinking it was all meant to be. But although I took my random page opening as a sign that I should learn Swedish, this was at the end of August, and back then I was not yet sure if the need to learn Swedish would in fact materialise. So I put aside the booklet.

By the time the need to learn Swedish did eventually materialise, I had found out that the University here also offers Swedish courses. So I decided it would be much better to join the course at the University instead of the VHS. For one thing, the VHS was a bit out of the way. I would be at the University all the time anyway. The course at the University is free of charge. Also, I have heard that language courses at the VHS are not necessarily the best. I suppose that because they don´t charge much, they then can´t pay their teachers too much. So, some courses are conducted by people who are native speakers of the language, but who are not necessarily qualified to teach it as a foreign langauge - which really makes a big difference. So I opted for the course at the University.

The only problem was, there wasn´t really any information about the course on the website of the university language institute. So off I went to the institute to see if I could find someone who could tell me more. I spoke to a lady at some counter, who said she couldn´t tell my anything about the courses because they were not fixed yet. I asked if there would be a Swedish course, she said she didn´t know. I was told to check the website again in the first week of October.

Towards the end of the first week of October, and you know that I was checking the website about 15 times a day in the meantime, it finally appeared. The courses would commence in the week beginning 25 October, and registration for the various courses opens at 1400 hours (the Germans always use the 24 hour clock) on 18 October. I set a reminder on my online calendar to make sure I didn´t miss the date. To register I would need my matriculation number and password for the University network and a super secret transaction number which is used as a means of security.

On the morning of Monday, 18 October, I set off to the University early as I needed to speak to a member of the administrative staff who is usually only there until noon. I armed myself with all the information and numbers I would need for the registration. I did not want to be stuck at the University at 1400 hours and not be able to register. As it turned out, I did not have to worry. I was done by 1230 hours or so. I stood around contemplating my options. I could hang around in the library and wait until 1400 hours, or I could go home and wait for 1400 hours. Then I realised I was hungry. For whatever reason, I decided that I should then go home so I could make myself some lunch at home, although I could have also quite easily got something to eat at the University. So I went home. It must have been about 1300 hours by the time I got home. I made myself a sandwich or toast or something, I cannot remember, I started up my computer, I checked my emails, I talked to my cats, I threw away some rubbish, la di la di da, and the next thing I knew it was 1600 hours.

I suddenly realised that I could already register for the Swedish course. It did not strike me at that time what I had just gotten myself into with those two hours of ladida-ing. I slowly logged on to the University network and found my way to the site where I needed to get to to register. It was "Schwedisch Grunstufe 1" - which was the one I wanted. But then it also said "Capacity - 25 places, available places - 0". I was confused. Capacity 25 places, but 0 places available? That doesn´t make sense, I thought. At that point, it still did not occur to me that there were really no more places available. Until I attempted to register (entering my password and super secret transaction number and all) and was told that my registration failed because the course was full. Only then did I start to mentally kick myself for not having paid more attention to the time. I had been waiting for days for this day and time, and I went and missed it.

I still had hope. I decided to contact the teacher and ask her if I could nevertheless join the class. I figured that if I explained to her that I was moving to Sweden, surely, surely, she couldn´t possibly turn me away. The only problem was, there was no information on the website about where or how I could find this woman. No email address, phone number, or address on campus. So once again I set off to the language institute. They, I figured, could point me in the right direction. In this at least I was right. They did point me in the right direction. They were in fact so kind as to escort me to the teacher´s office. In everything else, I was wrong. She could possibly turn me away, even though I explained that I was moving to Sweden. She could, and she did. She did it very, very sweetly though. Apparently she´s very sorry, because she, being a Swede, likes it when people move to Sweden, or want to move to Sweden. But there is a apparently a very high demand for the course and apparently I am not the first person to ask to be allowed into the already full class. So it would be unfair to allow me in and not the others. Then also very, very sweetly, she gave me the URL to some Swedish learning portal along with the username and password so that I could learn at home, if I wanted to. Although sweet would be to let me into the course, but who´s complaining? In the meantime, she also suggested two things.

The first suggestion is now the bane of my concentration. She suggested that it is quite possible that the people who have registered online would not show up for the course. Some don´t, she says. And if they do not show up on the first day of class without excuse, they are automatically de-registered from the system. There would then be a place free for ME!! Yay! Hoorah! Er... wait just one second, there is a catch. Assuming that someone does get de-registered, there is no waiting list. Which means, I cannot automatically be registered for the course. Registration can only be done with the super secret transaction number and all, remember? This means, I have to stalk the website to see if a place miraculously becomes free at any time and jump in before any other stalkers get there. This I have been doing, morning, noon and night, day in and day out, on the average of 150 times a day, I bet. If the site were a person and logging on were making a call, there would be a restraining order against me by now. Before the first lesson, I had been checking in hope that someone changed their minds and decided to de-register themselves from the course. Who knows, maybe some poor dude got dumped by his Swedish girlfriend and no longer saw the point in learning her language. That did not happen. If it did, it happened while I was on a loo break and someone else got there before I got back. The first lesson is now over. Today, it was. The question is, how long would it take for the absentees (assuming there were any) to be de-registered? I am guessing this will not be done at 0200 hours (which is the time now) so I can at least take a break from stalking duties for a while. The plan is to resume stalking until I get to the University, and will then try to get hold of the lady and find out if there were absentees. Because if there weren´t, then what is the point, right? This can´t go on indefinitely.

The second suggestion, to which there is at least an end to the story, is that I try the institute for Scandinavian Studies at the University, because they too offer language course, and they tend to have more space, she said. The only thing (there is always a thing), is that the language courses at the institute are intended for students of the institute, of which I am not. But, she said, there is a possibility for "other" students to participate in the course, if there are places available. She kindly gave me the email address, phone number and address of the contact person, along with a suggestion to try this avenue.

I did. First I emailed the person she told me to contact. Let´s call her the other lady to avoid confusion. I know, I could just give them names, but where´s the fun in that? So anyway, I emailed the other lady and explained my situation. She replied shortly after, which I thought was a good sign until I read her email. Yes, she says, I can "apply" to join the language course, but she had to tell me, my chances didn´t look good because the language course will be, by design, full. I am not sure how the course will be full by design, but whatever. Of course, she said, I could still apply. To do so, I would have to fill out a form and hand it in at the administrative office at the Institute for Scandinavian Studies. Easier said that done. First there was the printing and the filling out of the form, which was a piece of chocolate cake. Finding the Institute though, was a different story. It involved going down half a flight of stairs to the basement to leave my coat and bag, then up one and a half flights of stairs, left through a set of double doors, down a corridor, through security sensors, through the main entrance to some library (I didn´t bother to find out which library, but that explains the depositing the coat and bag and the security sensors) left down some corridor, up half a flight of stairs, right down another corridor, through a set of doors and down another corridor or something - all this without helpful signs, at least none in a helpful noticeable position. I finally found the office and found 3 people gathered in there, having a nice little cheerful mid-morning chat. I asked if this was the place to hand in the form. They said, yeah, yeah. All smiles. They asked what course I was interested in. I said Swedish. The smiles dropped ever so slightly. It was barely noticeable but for the sense of stillness which crept in to the previously cheery room. Then I mentioned that I was not a Scandinavian Studies student, and the smiles disappeared altogether. One guy, very seriously, said that he had to warn me that my chances did not look good. I said, I can but try. He said, of course, of course, but he still had to warn me that my chances did not look good. The others nodded. Have I tried the language institute, they asked. Yes, I said. I was too late. The courses are full. They sent me here. Have you thought about the VHS, they asked. Yes, I said. They started their courses in September. Hmm..., they said. Would you like to learn Norwegian, they asked. Huh? Norwegian? Err... no, I said. I am moving to SWEDEN, I said (without the capitalization in my tone of voice, of course), so it really would not help me much to learn Norwegian, I said. Hmmm..., they said. Norwegian and Swedish are actually very similar, they said. Or at least, one of them said and the others nodded vigourously, like a punctuation. The pronunciation and the grammar are the same, they said. More nodding. If you learn Norwegian, you would understand Swedish without any problem, they said. Nodding. You will also be able to learn Swedish easily, the said. Nodding. The Swedish classes are always very full, the Norwegian classes are smaller, they said. Nodding. If you take Norwegian, you would have better supervision, and you will learn better. Nodding. You will get more attention. Nodding. And the teacher would probably be able to explain to you the differences between Norwegian and Swedish, if you tell him/her that you are actually moving to Sweden. Nodding. Tell you what, why don´t you put Norwegian as a second option? If there aren´t any more spaces in Swedish, then you could start with Norwegian, and who knows maybe later in the semester you could switch. Nodding, this time by me. I didn´t have any energy left in that moment to do anything more. I left the office, with instructions to check their site later that day to find out if I got a place and for for which course, and feeling frustrated and dejected. It was proving harder than I could have ever imagined just to sign up for for the stupid course. I wished I had signed up for the VHS course in September, then I would already have learnt some Swedish. I wish I had not ladida-ed around on 18 October and registered in time. While I am making wishes, I wish I had a Babel fish and did not have to learn languages.

When the list appeared online that evening, I was not on it. The list for Swedish was not out, and my name was not on the Norwegian list. What does that mean? Could it be...? I proceeded to check the website 10 times per hour the following day, until finally, on the 1,854th attempt, the list appeared. There were 32 people listed for the Swedish course which was intended for 25. I was not among them. There was now an additional list of non-Scandinavian Studies students tagged to the bottom on the Norwegian list, and there I was. So lol and behold, after all the double, double, toil and trouble, I find myself registered for Norwegian.

Somewhere along the quest,
I must have lost the plot.
It may have four legs and is painted red,
but an elephant is, after all, not my Dala horse.