Seriously, after all these years??

When I first started working, I often had dreams about work. They were in fact less dreams and more nightmares, really. Waking up late for court, was a common one. Being in court and realising that I was in the wrong courthouse in the wrong city was another common one. After working a while, the dreams went away. Since I left though, a different type of work related dreams began. Most involved me going back to work again, usually after a relatively long absence. Some mirrored reality in that I had returned home from abroad after a few years and rejoined the firm. Others were merely after a long holiday. In one, I was returning from maternity leave. In another, the only one I recall which did not involve a long absence, I had to fight through a throng of bankers in the lift lobby to get into a lift to get up to the office. The common thread in these dreams were that it was always my first day back, and that in my absence, the office layout had changed and I did not really know my way around as I once did. Always, I was greeted enthusiastically by everyone I met. There was always a feeling of a homecoming in the dreams. I would guess that it is a subconscious manifestation of my perhaps not-so-subconscious belief that I would be welcomed back. If nothing else, it is definitely a manifestation of my feeling of having belonged there.

Indeed I did feel, and still do, that I belonged. Of course I toyed with the idea of leaving every now and then, but never for another firm or another job. I toyed briefly with the idea of going back to school, but that was it. My loyalties, such as they were, were clear. Opportunities which came about over the years in other firms or companies were never anything I took seriously. Somehow I was unwaveringly sure that when I did leave the firm, it would be a departure from the profession.

I digress. What I call the going back to work dreams became less and less frequent the longer I had been away, until they eventually went away altogether, or so I thought. I do not know how long it has actually been since I last had a going back to work dream, but I am certain it was a long time. Perhaps a year. Until two nights ago. As usual, it made a big impression and followed me as I went through the motions of the day. It made more of an impression this time though, simply because it had been such a long time since I last had the dream. It was therefore so unexpected. Also because there had been nothing to trigger the dream, as far as I can recall. There were times when I had the dream soon after I had heard from or of friends or ex-colleagues. When I heard about the promotion of those who were my immediate seniors, with the implication that I would have been next in line, had I stayed on. Or hearing about the promotion of those who were once immediately junior to me and feeling like they had been promoted over me. Which is both silly and to be expected at the same time. I took myself out of the equation, so what did I expect? I would remain the same seniority as the day I left until I choose to go back, while everyone else who stayed are naturally continuing to move forward and up.

I digress, again.

I found myself on my first day back again. I had a brief chat with someone who briefed me on a case which I was to take over with immediate effect. The office layout had changed, so I was showed my new desk and given a little tour. I greeted old friends and was introduced to newcomers. The whole time I kept an eye out for one particular person. And it was not who most people thought I was on the lookout for, not the one with whom there is a bit of history. Everyone who knew the history and was witness to all the drama assumed that it would be weird for us to see each other because of all the water under the whatever. In fact it was not weird in the dream, as it in reality similarly was not. Instead I was on the look out for someone else, someone I did not actually know, but whom I knew, as you do in dreams, I would know when I saw him. Someone whom I did not dare mention as being someone I was on the lookout for. As I walked past a room hidden behind frosted glass, I heard the familiar voice of an old friend. I paused outside, thinking that if she emerged in the next few minutes, it would be nice to say hi. She did emerge in a few minutes, but not before I also heard the voice of the person whom she was speaking to. It was not a voice I recognised, but somehow I knew, as you do in dreams, that it was the person I was looking for. I caught a glimpse of him as my friend stepped out of the room. Despite not recognising, I was sure, as you are in dreams, that that was the person I was looking for. Somehow I also knew that his appearance had changed dramatically recently. For whatever reason I made neither any effort to enter the frosted glass room nor to speak to this mystery "known" person. Later in the day, I was again walking past yet another room, this one with regular non-frosted glass which I could look into. I did, and caught the eye of this mystery person. There was more to the dream, involving more "welcome back" and some work related conversations. I eventually spoke to this mystery person, although what about I no longer recall. The details get a bit fuzzy from here on. This moment of eye contact though, was significant in some way. A thousand words were spoken in that moment, although what those words were or could be elude me in the cold clear light of wakefulness. 

What remains is the heavy-heartedness with which I awoke, which in turn leads to bafflement. What on earth brought that on?? And what does it mean?? If dreams do have a meaning... I am less concerned about this mysterious person than I am about the going back to work bit of the dream. After all these years, have I really not got it out of my system? I haven´t. And I do not really know what to do with that. In a work place, no one is irreplaceable, of that I have no illusions. I harbour no illusion that my absence makes as much of an impact to those who remain as it does to me. And I can certainly rationalise that the reason for these sentiments are very much due to certain aspects in my present situation which preoccupy me. In the cold clear light of wakefulness, despite the heavy-heartedness with which I awoke, I am secure in my choice. Hand on my heart, I will choose the same again. It was, after all, not a decision I took lightly. There was a reason for it. My priorities then were clear, and remain unchanged today. Unfortunately, this knowledge does nothing to reduce the heavy-heartedness. And I remain at a lost as to what to do with these sentiments.