There is apparently a distinction to be made between alcoholism, which is associated with dependence and compulsion, and "problem drinking". Problem drinking is, they say, when one drinks too much at times, causing repeated problems in ones life, without being dependant on alcohol. I suppose it would be easier to say that it is possible to have a problem with drinking without actually being an alcoholic.
For some reason or another, for most if not all my adult life, I have run in social circles in which alcohol was a common feature. Where I come from, it is not all that common. Most of my friends from school would be very shocked indeed to know what and how much I have, on occasion, drunk. So would most of my family, come of think of it! But that is not that point. The point is, I have spent a lot of my adult life amongst others who drink, been on many a night out, where sometimes excessive amounts of alcohol have been consumed. For this reason, I think I can safely say that if I think someone drinks too much, they almost certainly do. I think I have a reasonably high threshold for what constitutes too much, compared to many I know. To my mind, it has less to do with the actual quantity consumed, more with its effects. And really, drinking too much it itself is not really a problem, on occasion. It's when it becomes a repeated or even regular occurrence, and when it starts to cause problems in other aspects of life, is when it is a problem. I mean, at some point you might want to start thinking about your liver and what you are doing to it, but that aside, drink as much as you want, I say, as long as everyone goes to bed, and wakes up, happy.
When it becomes an issue in relationships, is surely a sign that it is a problem. Excepting of course the possibility that the person being accused of having a problem might have the misfortune of being in a relationship with a remnant prohibitionist - in which case, erm... my sympathies? I do not think that there are many of them out there though. Remnant prohibitionist, I mean. Excepting that and moving on, if it becomes a persistent problem in the relationship, what then?
What should one do, if in a relationship with someone with a drinking problem? Say at some point in the relationship, you start to notice that your partner is perhaps drinking a bit more than you would like. And this is happening on a regular enough basis that the usual excuses like "oh, its a party!" or "it's been a really tough week" or "I haven't seen this friend in ages" or "it's Christmas/ New Year's/ my birthday / Midsummer" or "it's not every year it's the World Cup" no longer fly. You drop hints, mention it here or there, one way or another, or just openly discuss it. Say your partner listens and appears to accept what you say, apologises for any objectionable behaviour while under the influence and avows agreement, enlightenment, and what-have-you, resolution. You leave the discussion feeling reassured and heartened. And perhaps for the next two or three months, all is well. You go out for drinks and even to a party, where your partner remains relatively speaking, impressively sober and restrained. And after some time has passed, you don't think about it any more. You stop watching your partner's glass at every night out or party. Until one day, you look up at a party to realise that your partner has had at least three drinks to each of yours. At the next party, your partner slumps over unconscious and has to be carried to bed by remaining guests, who are clearly embarrassed for you. You lie asleep in bed one night while your partner is on a night out and are suddenly woken by a loud crash. You jump out of bed to find your partner spread out in a puddle of beer on the living room floor, having fallen over unconscious with a beer in hand upon getting home. Soon your partner starts making snide remarks to you, about you after a few drinks, puts you down and pick fights. What then? You have another talk about it the next day or perhaps the day after, allowing time for the after effects to dissipate. Say your partner listens and appears to accept what you say, apologises for any objectionable behaviour while under the influence, and avows agreement once again, re-enlightenment, and what-have-you, renewed resolution. You leave the discussion feeling reassured and heartened, sceptical and mistrusting. It takes you longer this time, to stop watching your partner's glass, to stop feeling on edge every time alcohol is in the mix. Maybe you get to the point where you start to relax again, maybe you don't. It happens again. And again. Déjà vu becomes more like ground-hog day. You lose count of how many "talks" you've had over it. Soon talks turn to fights. Apologies and acceptance turn to accusations and bitterness. Soon every night of drinks ends in a fight. Every fight ends with your partner reaching for another drink, for which you are of course to blame for bringing tension and stress to what would have otherwise been a fun night. Snide remarks and put downs devolve into the degrading and demeaning, soaked in spite and hurled like barbed arrows across the room. You start to dread the next night out or party, the fear building up already days before the event. You start to drink less, rationalising that perhaps things would not get out of hand if you were sober, more in control. You start to drink more, rationalising that perhaps you wouldn't care as much if you could just get yourself drunk enough. Except you can't.
![]() |
It's all well and funny till it becomes a problem. |
Not that they are to blame. It is not an easy subject to bring up. It is not something anybody ever wants to hear. What then is the solution? Is there one? What will it take for someone to intervene? It is easy to say that it is not my problem. It's not. But then whose is it? And the next question is of course, even if someone does intervene, will it serve a purpose? Will an intervention from friends do what the talks with the partner couldn't? How much intervention is required before the point is driven home? What will it take for someone to see that they have a problem and seek help? The Mayo Clinic website has a list of symptoms of alcoholism, as do most any site having something to say about the topic. Alcoholism is of course not like having a fever. There is no thermometer which will confirm whether you have crossed the "alcohol line". Having said that, there are 12 items on Mayo's list. If you could be honest enough with yourself to check of the ones which really do apply to you, and you find yourself with at least 7 out of 12 checked, doesn't that say something and say it quite clearly indeed?
Some when, some where, someone has to draw the line.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please share anything. I would love to know what you think.