Today

"Today, 
I admit
what I have long not wanted 
to admit. 
I make excuses 
and accept no more. 
Today, 
I take the first step
to leave behind my life 
as it has been. 

I am certain and steadfast, 
but I am heartbroken. 
This is the end of hopes and dreams I once had. 
The end of the life I saw for myself. 
It is the sum
of plans never to be realised, 
things never to be done, 
words never to be voiced; 
the remains of love, 
never to be shared again. 
It is the closing of a chapter, 
the abrupt end of a story, 
never to be finished,
to be told no more.

This is the loss
of the person who shares my memories 
of innumerable incredible experiences. 
From here on out,
they are mere stories I tell. 
Memories
of a past life, 
eventually and inevitably
to be buried 
under the weight of new memories. 
A book shelved in a secret place, 
known to no one in my life to come. 
If memories are not shared, does it make a sound? 
If the wave washes away our footprints,
were we ever here?

I grieve for the story 
which never was, 
never to be. 
I grieve for the person 
I once was, 
the person 
whose hopes and dreams they were, 
the person 
who believed in the story.

My heart is broken. 
Again,
and more than ever before. 
The greater the hope and the stronger the belief, 
the more painful the fall, 
the more piercing the hurt. 
My heart is broken
for the many hits it has taken, 
for having stood by and accepted, 
for being responsible even
for some of them myself. 
My heart is broken
by cruel words and thoughtless deeds, 
suffered and inflicted, 
by carelessness and disregard, 
by neglect and spite, 
by aggression and repression, 
given and taken.
My heart is broken
to know 
that love sometimes really just ain't enough. 
My heart is broken
by the destruction that can be caused, 
and even worse, accepted, 
in the name of love.

I grieve
for the hurt that will never be made assuaged, 
the promises never to be kept, 
long awaited amends never to made.

I know this will eventually pass. 
My heart will mend. 
Scarred though it be,
it will rediscover its limitless capacity 
to love and to give. 
I fear being hurt,
but I fear never loving again, more. 
I despair,
but I hope. 
I cry,
but I will smile and laugh again. 
The part that has died,
will one day live again.

But not today. 
Today,
I do the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 
Today,
I end my marriage."

-       - July, 2013