#metoo - anyone, anywhere, anytime; it happens

The recent hullabaloo about Harvey Weinstein has struck a cord with me, as it has with many women. The subsequent #metoo movement*(1) shows just how much. It has therefore been a hard week for me. It's brought up a lot of unwanted memories of incidences which I thought were far behind me. Even incidences which I did not think were a big deal at the time they happened, which I shrugged off and moved past without giving it much more thought, have now come flooding back. Turns out I did not move on completely after all.

I still think though that nothing really that bad has happened to me. So this post is not about a major traumatic experience that has destroyed my life, no. I have not been raped or forced to perform sexual favours. I have not been subject to repeated harassment or any kind of sexual harassment at the workplace. Although, a former manager did grope me in the back of the car* and tried to kiss me. He was drunk, which was no excuse, but thankfully enabled me to easily parry off his advances. But this is not about that.

I want to say that the things that have happened to me were harmless, because it did not really do any "damage" to me, though me saying that or even wanting to say that tells me that I have helped perpetuate the problem by downplaying and accepting it. I have seen a lot of comments recently, mostly though not all by men, who suggest that a lot of the women to are posting the hashtag #metoo were not harassed or assaulted. Rather that it was just some unwanted attention, the man was just making advances and hoping she will respond, and that there was "no damage done". Women who feel otherwise, some say, are just emotional, weak, oversensitive. But I wonder how a man is in a position to decide for a woman how she should feel about her body being touched or commented on against her will. You know what, forget men and women. How does any person get to tell another how they should feel about their body being touched or commented on against their will?? That said, read on, because I have something else to say about damage done or not.

There are also a lot of comments about power. That it happens when a man is in a position of power with regard to the woman. Where the woman needs something: an employee, her job; an actress, a part in the next movie, the leading role, her big break. But that is of course, not always the case. Does it matter though? If a person takes advantage of another person's weakness, intoxication, desperation to satisfy their lust, what does it matter whether it is lust for flesh or dominance or out of pure evil or maybe even boredom?

It is easy to say that women should stand up for themselves. Speak out. Say no. Put a stop to it. Walk away. Leave. But it is not always so easy and sometimes there are too many factors in play. I am thinking about one specific incident which happened to me when I say this.

This was a few years ago now. So I am bringing this up now because recent events have triggered these memories. So many women have spent years keeping quiet for so many different reasons. Keeping quiet with the hurt while the emotional damage chipped away at us. So I am not writing this with the intention to dig up old wounds or out of vindictiveness. I am not out to punish or hurt anyone. The magnitude of the #metoo movement makes me believe that we need to speak out and break the silence.

A few things about me, for those who don't know me. I cannot remember if I have ever been accused of being weak in my life. I really don't think so. Emotional, unstable, hysterical, a bitch and a half, yes. But not weak. I used to be the one they called in at work to get the newbies into line. I would like to think that I have got more zen in my older age, but my temper still takes some taming. I am outspoken, opinionated, argumentative, confrontational. I don't always choose to be, it just happens that way. I consider myself smart, strong and capable. I concede that I am not as physically strong as some men, but other than that, I would like to think that there are very few things a man can do that I would not be able to. I say all this only to emphasise that I have never considered myself weaker than men. Though many men may not have treated me as such, I have considered and conducted myself as their equal. This confidence and strength, is probably what makes it worse when my physical integrity is violated. And for doing nothing about it, I still feel ashamed and bitterly disappointed with myself to this day. And all the telling myself that the guilt is his, not mine, doesn't change that.

So some years ago, I was sat next to a guy. We were in a club. The place was packed. The table was in a tight corner, stools packed tightly together. There was not much space between his knees and mine, every time I moved my legs, I knocked into either the table leg on one side, or his knee on the other. At some point he put his hand on my knee and I could not move away. I got up to dance to break the contact. Except, for the rest of the night, wherever I was, he was. With his hand up my skirt. I did not scream and slap him or slap his hand away. Like I said, there were other factors.

• We had had quite a lot to drink. Alcohol, that is. We started in the afternoon and carried out steadily the whole night. I paced myself so I was not majorly drunk, but I was evidently not in a position to make good decisions.
• I had been flirtatious that night. Not that I was flirting with him, but it was the sort of atmosphere where there was a lot of banter and innuendo. Mostly between my friend and I actually, sometimes about him. We thought we were incredibly witty and funny. I thought we were incredibly witty and funny.

I put those first because they are the factors which I was active in. Others:

• I knew the guy. Though he and I were not best buddies, he was one of a group of what I considered to be my close friends.
• His wife was one of my closest friends. In fact, my closest friend back then.
• Oh, and she was standing right next to him when it all happened and was oblivious to what was going on.
• But at some point, he whispered to me that it was OK, that they have talked about it and that she was OK with it, or words to that effect.

I had a whole range of emotions, which swung back and forth the whole night. I was outraged, upset. disgusted, confused, hurt. How dare he?? I was outraged for myself and for his wife. But I was confused. She said it was OK? What was OK? Did my friend agree to her husband making a pass at me? How could she? That paralysed me more than anything. I felt I couldn't yell at him to stop in front of her if she did not know what was going on. How do you break the news to one of your closest friends that her husband was making a pass at you? But if she knows and approves, that was simply too much for my intoxicated brain to make sense of. I had no idea what that meant or what the appropriate response was. So I did nothing.

Well not nothing. I did yell at him. At some point, he went to the bar to get us more drinks. I followed and yelled. Except, the place was packed, remember? So any talking had to be at yelling volume anyway, so the effect was somewhat lost. I asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. I said something about not putting his hands on me. And I said something about his wife. And I finished, this I remember clearly, with: don't you fucking dare do that again. Except he did.

He claimed later on, when I finally got my brain in gear again two days later (with a session of bawling my eyes out to another friend in between) and yelled at him again and properly this time, that he thought it was okay. That he thought that we were going to end up in a little ménage à trois, and that was what he meant that his wife was "OK" with. She wasn't. It was not something they had discussed or agreed on. As I yelled, he kept repeating, "I thought it was OK". He repeated it so many times, I think he convinced himself. And he claimed that he thought I was yelling at him because he was talking to another woman at the bar. He was less clear about whether he thought I was yelling at him on his wife's behalf in that case or because I was jealous.

But, as I went over the night over and over again in the weeks that followed, I remembered two things. One: He tried to reassure me by telling me that it was OK, which suggests to me that he could tell I was not OK with it or at least needed more persuasion. But two: He was discreet enough so that his wife did not notice. That does not fit together with her being OK about it. The duplicity suggests that he knew that it was not quite as OK as he later made it seem.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I yelled, he said it was OK. I told his wife. He told his wife first because he knew I was going to. She yelled at him. She cried. He cried. He said, he thought it was OK. He apologised profusely, to her. They got through it as a couple and moved on. Happily ever after. Though, sadly, not for our friendship.

Fast forward a year later. I receive a scathing message from my friend about how I have not let go of the incident and that I continue to punish him by not speaking to him at parties, not inviting him to my parties (and I throw quite a few). She said it was a misunderstanding and a stupid mistake. And I get that. I do. I totally do, but from her point of view. He thought she was OK with a threesome and he was out to recruit me. Fine. So she was not OK with him trying to recruit her friend. Oops, sorry! Slap on wrist, I won't do it again.

But what about me? Nobody asked me if I was interested in anything. If anything was ok with me. Nobody asked me how I felt about having someone grope me against my will. Somehow in trying to resolve their marital issues, they forgot that I was the one who was violated. And I am suppose to greet him with a hug afterwards when we meet at parties? No matter, because I somehow became the bad guy. 

A bit of law
Battery is legally defined*2 as intentional, unpermitted physical contact cause harm or offence to the other person. Contact may constitute battery even if it does not cause physical harm, if it is offensive or insulting to the other person. And battery falls into the category of "trespass on a person". As in the case of trespass on land, it is an offence even if there is no damage caused by the trespass. If you unlawfully walk on someone's land and cause no damage, it is still an offence. The same is true if you trespass on a person. So even if you think there is "no damage done", it's still wrong!

The sad reality
People say that women are mentally more resilient than men, or something like that. Women are ultimately stronger and cope with more, or something like that. Don't they? I don't have the facts and cannot be bothered to check right now. I wonder if it is because women generally have to cope with more in life.

It happens all the time
Because the sad reality is, my story, in the great scheme of things, is nothing. As nauseating and sickening as it is to me, I have heard worse. And I don't even have to look at stories about women being gang raped and so on. I know people who have been through far worse than me. The things happen all the time. All.the.time. All the fucking time. So often that we have normalised it. “We” as in the world. “We” as in women ourselves. I tell myself that it's not a big deal. And most days, I even believe it.

As I tell my story, there will be women reading this thinking "that's all that happened??" because they would have been through far worse. There will be women reading this thinking "yeah, that sounds about right. Typical men." We tell our stories, we commiserate with each other and we shrug and move on.

There will be men reading this thinking "what's the big deal, he was just after some fun?" "he was just drunk" "it was harmless, no damage done" or even worse someone would be mentally high-fiving this guy for his persistence, but what a shame it didn't pan out for him.

Not saying yes is not enough
The law talks about unpermitted, unconsensual, words which indicate a lack of consent. Which means, if a women did not say yes, it's not permitted. But women do not always say the word "yes" out loud even when they are consenting, so that consent was be interpreted in her actions. Too many men take that to mean that unless she has screamed "no" at the top of her lungs and kneed him in the balls, she has consented. The woman being unconscious is not enough to stop some men. Clearly, in my case, just moving out of reach each time he groped me was not enough for his to accept that he should stop.

There is no safe place
As girls, women, we are always warned about looking after ourselves. Being careful when we go out at night. Being careful where we go and who we are with. My family even used to warn me about parties with friends because as they said, you know your friends but you don't know who their friends are and they may be bad people. When I used to party often with the same group of friends, we always looked out for each other. Without actually agreeing in advance, someone would stop drinking when they notice that someone else was getting too drunk and needed looking after. If we noticed men getting too octopusy with one of our girl friends who was too drunk to know what was going on, we'd put a stop to it. Push him away, pull her away. Leave. And we knew we could let go, because we were safe in the group. We looked out for each other and we got each other home safe.

That night, my safe place was where the violation happened. My should-be buffer from the bad people and help when in need, was the perpetrator. Is there a line that all men won't cross in how they treat women?

He said, she said, carpet under, sweep, sweep, sweep

At the end of the day, people will take sides. Whether it's your side or someone else's. The side of marital harmony or friendship. Peace and group harmony or principles. The easy way or the hard way. People choose. And whatever story you manage to spin or he manages to spin, or how you spin it, people more often than not, choose the easy way. Why rock the boat and can't we all just get along and all that, right?

Nobody is going to feel sorry for you
It happens so often that people forget that it should not happen at all. Men prefer not to know. Or if they know, they prefer not to get involved. Women are different. Sometimes they commiserate, because it has happened to them to. They listen to your story and then tell their own. Nothing changes. Some secretly, some not so secretly, think you must have deserved it. That you must have done something, invited it to happen. People don't believe you or think it's not as bad. Whatever the reaction is, there is usually only a single outcome. You are expected to get over it and move on. Whatever happened to you, someone else and had it worse. Life goes on.

The blame and shame game
And somehow, the women end up with at least some of the blame. Either they were provocative, scantily dressed, or careless. Stupid, drunk. Or did not stop the men. Why didn't you just say no, report him to the police? Easier said than done. And remember the factors? And in the case of me and my friend, why don’t you just let it go and move on already?! 

Even if no one points the finger at them, women tend to blame themselves anyway. More often than not, we think that we could have prevented it. Or that it's our own fault for being drunk. Or we feel ashamed that we did not stop it, or did not stop it sooner. So, how can we accuse someone else about something we feel ashamed about?

#metoo
It has been a difficult week for me, as I said, dealing with these memories and a bunch of others which I will not go into here, and reading and hearing about so many other women who have suffered similar and worse. People close to me and strangers.

Who does these things
But as many people have pointed out, we are talking about the victims. The people it has happened to. But what about the people who did it? Where are they? Millions of women have spoken out about what they have suffered. They have not all be assaulted, harassed by the same man. We have not all crossed paths with Trump and Harvey Weinstein. The men who did these things that millions of women are talking about are out there amongst us. There are our friends, our family.

There are some calling for these men to step up, own up and admit that they have taken advantage of a woman. How many men would? I doubt many would. Nevertheless, I hope that this movement is the beginning of a change for the better. Awareness leads to change, right? Let's talk about these things more openly.

So, I am starting the conversation. Let's talk. Let not the guilty hide in our silence. This has to end. We all have a right to our integrity. We have a right for our body to be left alone by others.


*1 Started more than ten years ago and revived in the Harvey Weinstein scandal.
*2 This is not the definition I would use in Court, but it is the one I have easy access to right now.