my subsconscious, my memory and me

I have always known that I had a fairly good memory. Back in the days when I spent a lot of time studying hundreds of pages of medical records, I certainly put it to good use. Somehow I could remember a lot of the little details and sometimes even where in the bundle a piece of information was to be found. But that did not surprise me, because as I said, I have always known that I had a fairly good memory. 

Recently though, my memory surprised me. Though it might be more accurate to say my subconscious , or my subconscious memory if you will, surprised me. Slightly less than a year ago, I was at a picnic. There were quite a few people there, many of whom I did not know. I spoke to several people, got to know others better, made a friend or two along the way. Almost a year later, I was heading to a party and met someone heading to the same party on the way up. We got to talking and within seconds, I had placed him as someone I had met at the picnic. And a few seconds before he introduced himself, I was trying to remember what his name was. When he said it, I realised that I had remembered right. I could then also immediately remember what he did for a living, who he was at the picnic with (although not their names) and, I think, how many sisters he has. After that evening though, I thought long and hard about it, and could not recall a single word we exchanged with each other. I vaguely recall that he and his friends arrived late to the picnic, but that was it. I have no recollection of being introduced or having introduced myself to them. No recollection of any snippets of conversation or anything at all. Nothing. I know that we sat fairly close to each other at the picnic only because I dug up some photos from the picnic and saw that we appeared in several of the same photos. But I have absolutely no recollection of speaking to him. And yet somehow I have recognised his speech - whether it was the voice or accent, I don't know, and managed to retain a bunch of little facts about him.

So how did I get the information about this person, and why, of all things, did my brain retain them? What really amazed me though, was that within seconds of meeting him the second time, my brain was feeding me this list of information it had about him, almost as if it had pulled out a memory card on which these facts were written down in bullet points and was reading it out to me.

But how does it do that?? This question consumed me in the aftermath of the party. I found myself devouring every article I could find on all sorts of research that people have been doing to study the brain. I haven't quite found anything which serves as an explanation, although I have found many, many fascinating articles about what the brain does and can do. I am fascinated! Captivated, even. Since then I have acquired Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman, which incidentally just arrived in the post. I hope that it will shed some light on how the brain absorbs, stores and accesses information. I suspect though, that on some level I am just looking for more anecdotes about how amazing the brain is. Oh well, if nothing else, it promises to be a good read.

Having a good memory though, is not necessarily a good thing. Because I am often annoyed not to remember things I which I expect to. I have also been accused of having high standards, of being a perfectionist, and once, even of being arrogant simply because I remembered something which someone once said. I have been told more than once that I am difficult to be around because I remember too many things that people have said and done, and more to the point, the inconsistencies in their stories. This ability, while very useful and well regarded in a litigator, is not really one that is welcome in a friend or partner. My ability to recall past altercations and hurts has been said to be the cause of unhealed fractions.

In certain circumstances being able to remember things better forgotten is perceived as being vengeful, vindictive, spiteful, hurtful, though it is not necessarily so. It is not motivated by anger or hurt or the unwillingness or even inability to forgive. Not necessarily, anyway. Bringing it up the things remembered again and again, of course, is. Even if the things recalled are never given breath nor acknowledged in any discernible way, the effect that the memory has on the unfortunate person who holds it is unavoidable. A memory of a past altercation and hurt can sometimes stir up the same feelings of hurt which were present when the incident occurred. Of course, there are tricks and strategies how to not let incidents in the past affect us in the present, and how to move on from them. The recollection itself, though, is unavoidable. At least I have no yet discovered the secret method to stop my brain from spontaneously calling up old memories at some unexpected trigger and feeding me words and images from a time past.  The stronger and more intense or vivid the recollection, the harder the struggle to shove it back down. The harder  the struggle to fight the feelings and negative emotions which some memories stir up. And the harder the struggle not act on them, or to not let them affect ones actions in the present, and to at all times, do the right thing. These struggles are, inevitably, long and lonely.